What do you do when your child breaks a big rule? Usual responses include traditional lectures and punishment, but do these things really work? Or is there a better way?
Let’s start with the definition of punishment. Punishment is the act of inflicting suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution. The core attributes of punishment include blame, shame and pain (emotional or physical).
Sounds pretty harsh right? Yet this is exactly what we tend to do as parents when we say things like “what’s wrong with you?” or “you don’t deserve____” while we either shun/send them away or take away privileges or favorite toys or activities that often have nothing to do with the misbehavior.
The problem with this method is it tends to make children feel poorly, and we know that children act the way they feel. When the feel bad, they behave bad. When we make kids feel bad, or do things like tell them they are “being bad”; we are shaming them to a point that will either make them shut down and stop trying, or make them feel that they need to sneak or lie to avoid being called out for their behaviors, which leads to a whole other set of behavior problems.
What I have learned is that traditional “punishment” approaches tend to be more for the adult, to make us feel better because we are upset by our child’s behavior and want them to “pay”, and less about trying to truly help the child do better.
When you are at work or school and learning how to do something new and difficult, do you tend to do better when someone TEACHES and encourages you? Or when you are punished as a way to try and shame and scare you into doing better. Notice that in everything we talked about above, there was no opportunity to TEACH the child what to do instead.
So how do you TEACH a child what to do instead, without letting them “get away” with the problem behavior?
Use the 5 R’s of Consequences
Let’s start with the definition of consequences. A consequence is a conclusion derived through logic and/or nature, or something produced by a cause following a set of conditions. Already sounds way better right?
Consequences are a FAIR, NATURAL and LOGICAL part of everyday life that shows us the outcomes of our choices and actions, without the blame, shame and pain. Consequences by definition are not positive (good) or negative (bad) and are instead neutral and matter of fact. Consequences help us learn the outcomes of our actions, foster responsibility and can be a great tool to help TEACH children reasons to modify and change behavior.
The 5 R’s of Consequences include making sure they are:
- RESPECTFUL no blame/shame/pain, the goal is to teach not hurt
- RELATED to the misbehavior so natural learning/teaching can take place–for example taking TV away when your child refuses to brush teeth, isn’t related or teachable, but not giving sugar or sweets the next day when your child refuses to brush is related and teaches the child WHY we need to brush
- REASONABLE in duration based on age/development, taking away a toy for a month vs for the day. Sometimes when you are too harsh, your point get’s missed and kids don’t see hope or a reason to try
- REVEALED in advance so children are able to make a choice, this puts the ball in their court and takes the pressure off of you being the “bad guy” imposing a consequence–the rule was there and they chose what outcome they wanted not you….. and
- REPEATED by them! To ensure comprehension, make sure your child can repeat back the rule/consequence prior to you implementing it or trying to enforce it
Here is a script of how you could introduce your new rules and consequences using the 5 R’s:
- Start by stating the concern during a neutral time when both you and your child are calm. i.e., “I’ve noticed you haven’t been eating your dinner” or “I’ve noticed you have been ignoring me when I ask you to turn off the tablet”.
- Then state the expectation (reveal in advance what you expect or what the rule is) i.e., “In the future, I expect you to eat at least 3 bites of everything on your plate at dinner” or “Moving forward I want you to turn off the tablet the first time I tell you”.
- Next reveal the consequences (reveal what will happen when they do and do not follow the expectation) i.e., “I know you will follow the rule, and when you do I will be so proud of you and you will get dessert! But if you do not follow the rule you will not get dessert”. or “When you turn off the tablet when I ask the first time, that makes me happy and I will let you use it again tomorrow, but if you chose not to turn it off when I ask, you will not get to use it the next day”.
- Finally, ask your child to repeat back the new rule i.e., “Thanks for listening, can you tell me what the new rule is?”, and then “Great and what happens when we follow the rule? what about if we don’t?”.
So what do you do if your child doesn’t follow the rule after you have introduced it using the 5 R’s?
As an adult you stay calm, and in a neutral tone can state, “I see you chose not to follow the rule and not have___(dessert tonight/tablet)___. I know you will follow the rule next time, because I want you to have ___(dessert/tablet___).”
This makes you their cheerleader and not the enemy. You WANT them to get what they want, and they are learning that THEY make the choices that impact getting what they want, and it’s not just you being mean.
Remember, consequences need to be as natural as possible which means related and logical. This is what teaches them what happens in the real world and they start to make connections between their actions (cause) and consequences (the natural effect). When you take away the tablet because your child won’t eat dinner, the two things aren’t related and there isn’t a clear teachable moment because there is no correlation between the cause and effect. Where if your child didn’t eat their dinner, and you didn’t give dessert, that is related, logical and teaches them that when we eat our healthy food then we can earn our dessert. Here are some examples of RELATED Logical Consequences that are FAIR and work: