It usually starts with you giving them a direction to do something, and they start with the, “but I caaaaannnn’ttttt do itttttttt, I need helllllpppp” in that tone of voice that immediately has you rolling your eyes.
For instance when they demand you carry them out of the car (when they are totally capable of walking)…or putting on or taking off their clothes…or putting their toys away in the right places…. anything to get you to help them when they’re actually perfectly capable of doing it themselves.
The truth is that as adults, we have a natural tendency to be accommodating. We don’t want children to experience the frustration of being unable to do something, so we rush in to help, often when it isn’t really needed.
But what is the impact of providing UN-NEEDED Help?
If a child has trouble – or takes too long – putting on a shoe or putting the straw in their juice box and an adult rushes in to assist over and over again, what is that child to think? They’ll get the message, loud and clear, that either they can get adults to do things for them without trying themselves, or that the adult doesn’t believe the child can do it either.
The problem with this, is that even though it may be easier for us as adults to just help and do it for them, this habit can really hinder your child’s independence and confidence. And when it happens repeatedly your child’s default answer to your requests will be to whine for help until you do it for them, rather than try things on their own which would lead to the self-satisfaction, pride and confidence.
Even worse, our children can start to encompass “learned helplessness”, where they have been conditioned to believe they can’t do something, before even trying to do it. This leads to them “giving up” before even starting and can impact not just daily life at home, but things at school and extracurricular activities your family participates in as well.
Perseverance, persistence and grit are all things we want our kids to learn to develop. By providing un-needed help to our children we are missing needed opportunities to foster this in them at a young age.