Do you feel stuck with what to do to discipline your child? We want to be supportive, but also make sure we are setting limits for them. Yet, how do we address the negative behavior, while also allowing children to appropriately express themselves and their emotions?
At times, doing both seems impossible! We feel we either have to ignore the negative behaviors of hitting/screaming/breaking a rule etc. in order to help them feel supported emotionally and calm down; OR we feel we have to push their emotions to the side in order to address, punish or correct their behaviors.
But what if I told you there is an easy way to do both? It’s something called Compassionate Discipline.
In order to do this, as adults we need to be the calm. As much as we don’t like the meltdowns and behavior issues, as parents we have to expect and accept they will happen. After all, they are a normal part of development for young children.
In fact, did you know that a release of emotions and testing limits can be a good thing? When we cry, scream etc. we are resetting our nervous system, and for that child who may have been on edge all day, this is a great way to truly get out their negative energy and make space for the positivity and calm needed for them to stay regulated. When they test limits, they are learning to navigate their world independently and are developing problem solving skills. These are things that ALL kids experience and go through as they grow and develop into independent beings.
So to get started we, as the adults, need to stay calm and not let our child’s behaviors trigger us into our own meltdown. When both adult and child lose control, there is nobody left to man the ship!
Once you are calm, your job will be to engage your child’s part of the brain that deals with emotions, the right hemisphere. When your child is melting down or acting out, the part of the brain that processes language, logic and reason, the left hemisphere, goes offline and they are running on pure stress hormones or adrenaline and mainly relying on the emotional right part of the brain. This is why when they are in a heightened state of emotion, they tend to scream and not use their words. Language and reasoning are offline and emotion is dialed all the way up!
To engage the right side of the brain and help your child calm down and think logically, start by moving gently and coming down to their level without speaking. Remember that when your child is in crisis the left side, the language processing side of the brain, is not in charge and the right side, the emotional part, is in full effect! So towering over and talking to them will not be helpful in the calm down/thinking process since their brain will interpret your words and stature as a threat. At this point, it is less about what you say and more about what you do. Once you are on their level, try to “read” your child and determine if they need: touch? or space? A light touch can be as powerful or comforting as just sitting next to them and giving them space. The goal here is to help regulate the right side of the brain so it can start to calm down and bring the left side of the brain back online which will help with language and logic.
Once you are on your child’s level and being cognizant of your own body language and cues, you can start working on using language and bringing the left side of the brain back online. To do this, you can use a process called A.C.T. (Acknowledge the Feeling, Communicate a Limit and Target an Alternative)
Using the A.C.T. Process will not only help you support your child’s emotional wellbeing and regulation skills, but it will also address the problem behavior that occurred while helping them problem solve alternatives. A.C.T. is a tool that is frequently used in Compassionate Discipline and can be a great way to get out of the habit of either minimizing feelings or over focusing on correcting behaviors.
To start the “A” in A.C.T. we need to ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS. Avoid asking “what’s wrong?”, “why did you do that?” or any questions that require the left/logic side of the brain. They likely won’t be able to answer and might re-trigger them again. Instead, make statements that describe their emotions while also validating them. An example could be “Aiden, I see that you are frustrated and mad that your sister won’t share. It’s okay to feel upset, I get upset too when someone won’t share with me” or “Eva, it looks like you really want to do some art (if she is trying to draw on the wall), it is great that you are feeling creative! I love doing art too”.
The “C” in A.C.T. is COMMUNICATING A LIMIT. So, you just acknowledged and validated their feelings, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for them to have behaviors such as hitting, throwing, screaming, breaking rules etc. Kids need limits and to be told “no” sometimes. Limits help children feel safe and secure. An example could be “Aiden, although you are upset, we only use gentle hands in this house, we do not hit our sister” or “… walls are not for drawing on.” Remember, this is all done in a non-threatening way while the adult is calm but still firm and direct.
The “T” in A.C.T. is TARGETING AN ALTERNATIVE. Here is where you want to give clear and firm alternatives to the problem behavior. Giving them limited and reasonable choices (usually no more than 2 options) allows them to problem solve better alternatives and helps them come up with a solution or positive way to cope with their emotions or desires. An example could be “Aiden, when your sister won’t share, you can either set a timer to take turns or ask an adult for help” or “Eva, you can draw on the white board or in your coloring book”. As your kids get older and more skilled at the steps in A.C.T. you could challenge them to come up with the problem solving solutions themselves by asking “how can we solve this?”
Using Compassionate Discipline is a great way to support your child’s social-emotional development as it validates and helps them express emotions, while also setting limits and teaching them appropriate behaviors and problem solving skills. So next time a problem arises, remember how YOU the adults can A.C.T. to best support your child!
